Nine days from today will be the one-year anniversary of the first wedding that COVID screwed up for me and my clients.
I’ve been thinking about this wedding a lot lately. Perhaps because of all the “one-year COVID anniversary” stuff floating around on the internet. Perhaps because it’s always been my habit to send my clients a one-year anniversary card and when I sat down to write the card for this couple, I felt overwhelmed by what could have been and what was.
Whatever the reason, last year is on my mind. I think it may be on yours, too.
At least, self-reflection has been the theme of many of the messages I’ve been getting from brides lately — and I say “brides” here very intentionally because the wedding industry is an extremely gendered space so if there is a bride involved with the wedding, chances are very good that she has, often without her consent, become the de facto manager for Project Wedding Day.
These women write me and they say things like:
We are in the weeds.
How do we do this safely while maintaining our sanity?
It seems like we would be spending a lot of money only to have an event that is not going to be what we had envisioned.
I feel like I'm putting people at risk.
And I get it. I get it SO STRONGLY. Because whatever your situation, you are playing Jenga in the middle of an earthquake. Of course you are getting frustrated, anxious, sad, and upset every time the pieces fall down.
You know what I say to these brides and by extension their partners and their guests? If planning your wedding is no longer bringing you joy, stop planning your wedding.
Easier said than done
I say this and want to note: I know it’s not that simple. There’s family. There’s money. There’s the question of if you and your partner are already legally married or if you still need to do that.
These are BIG things and I don’t want to discount them. I also am hearing from more and more couples who are just like “Gawd, I’m exhausted. I don’t even like talking about my wedding anymore.”
This was, admittedly, a problem long before COVID (thank you, Wedding Industrial Complex!) but it’s a problem that is taking on a new depth as we round the one-year mark of #pandemiclife.
So if you’re at that place of wedding burnout, here’s what I, professional wedding planner, have to say: Take a break.
You can still get married. You can still have your wedding. You can still love your partner every single day because you are alive and you are healthy and you are here.
But if your stomach turns at just the thought of opening your wedding planning spreadsheet or sending yet another round of invites or picking out what to wear, stop.
“What do I say to my guests? To my vendors?”
If you do stop, please remember the people your choice impacts because we are adults and we all know that our choices have ramifications.
Communicate with your loved ones. Tell them that you want to being your marriage in a place of joy and that’s why your plans are changing, either getting smaller and safer or slowing down for a few months as we see what happens with vaccines or moving to next year entirely. Here’s language to help.
Please also communicate with your vendors, the people you have hired to work at a wedding that you may be radically changing not because you are bad but because you are exhausted. If you can afford it, please pay your team their full amounts. If you can’t, pay them a little, write them a nice review, and/or simply say thank you. Here’s language to help.
“I’m not exhausted”
I’m happy for you. Sincerely. In the words of that one lady from When Harry Met Sally, “I’ll have what she’s having.” But one quick request for you in your non-exhaustion: Will you please also remember your loved ones and your vendors? Remember that they may not be where you are at and while your grandma can opt out of your wedding, your photographer probably can’t?
I say this because it works
A year ago, I wouldn’t have been brave enough to tell you that if planning your wedding is no longer bringing you joy, stop planning your wedding. I’m grateful that I’m no longer sacred because I’ve been giving this advice a lot lately and I’ve been amazed at the responses.
Here’s one example just from this week. A bride told me that I was right, planning her wedding was no longer bringing her and her partner joy. Well, actually, planning their original wedding was no longer bringing them joy. They were still going to have a wedding this summer but it was going to look a lot different from Plans A, B, and C.
Coming to terms with that realization — “The thing we were doing is no longer working for us so let’s stop doing that thing” — sounds scary but, she says, it actually felt really good: “I am already soooo much more excited and relieved.” In another message, she equated this opportunity to having a “do-over,” a chance to recalibrate, check in, and regroup on the most important question in all of wedding planning: Why?
So if you are tired of planning your wedding, it’s OK to stop. Stopping doesn’t mean you love your partner any less. It doesn’t even mean that you won’t get married this year or pick up planning again in a month or a week or a day. Stopping just means that you are doing everything you can after 12 months of hell to remember your why.