The other day, a bride emailed me about her May 2021 wedding.
She and her fiancé were interested in hiring me to be their coordinator. In the intake form that I have all potential clients fill out, she wrote this answer next to my question about estimated guest count: “We booked for a max of 80 but due to COVID, the venue said it's now 50.”
That language — “the venue said” — jumped out at me in red neon letters. I knew what the bride meant because I’ve been involved in conversations like this for going on 10 months.
A couple has the very good, very legitimate, very responsible question of “What are the current health and safety regulations when it comes to hosting a social gathering during a pandemic?” Except, of course, they don’t word it that way because who actually talks that way except someone like me who has had to become an expert on health and safety regulations for social gatherings because her livelihood depends on it?
Instead, a couple says the much less robotic, “Can we have our wedding?” Unfortunately, “Can we have our wedding?” is a very difficult question to answer and usually we ask it of the completely wrong people.
We ask it of our loved ones.
Our loved ones are the wrong people to ask because, first off, they probably don’t know anything more than we do. Why would they? The world of pandemic event regulations is a deeply confusing place. I’ve been living here so long that I’m having my mail forwarded and I hate every moment of it even as I know it’s vitally important.
Second, our loved ones are the wrong people to ask “Can we have our wedding?” because they love us. As such, their motivating factor in life is, I hope, to make us happy. Telling someone “No, you can’t have your wedding” is not a happy thing. Believe me on this.
We ask it of our vendors.
So if we can’t ask our loved ones “Can I have a wedding?” who’s next in line? Usually, it’s our vendors. These are the people whom we have hired to work at our wedding including the venue(s) (i.e. the place(s) where we have our wedding).
Vendors, however, are not much better when it comes to answering the question of “Can I have my wedding?” This is not, despite popular belief, because vendors are money-grubbing Scrooge McDucks who never want to give refunds. It’s because you’re my boss.
You are the person who pays me. You are the person who writes me a review. You are the person who refers my work so I can continue running my business. As such, it is in my best interests to make you happy even at the expense of my own well-being.
This is a TERRIBLE place to be in. It’s terrible as a business owner (“Will I get paid? Will I not get paid?”). It’s also terrible as a human being (“Will I have to risk the health and safety of my household so I can afford groceries? Will I not have to risk the health and safety of my household so I can afford groceries?”).
When we ask our vendors “Can I have my wedding?” we are, in a very real way, asking them if we should fire them. And so in response, vendors say things like “Let’s wait and see” or “You know, I’m just not sure” or, more often than not, they say nothing at all because it’s safer that way.
This is what we should be asking instead.
What then is a couple to do? All we want is to start this marriage, to celebrate our love, to feel some goddamn joy for once and maybe, just maybe, not lose thousands of dollars along the way. Why is everything so hard?
You already know that answer and it reminds with “NOVID.”
Thankfully, we have options even if it doesn’t feel like it. We just have to change what we’re asking.
Let’s not ask “Can I have my wedding?” Instead, let’s ask:
What are the health and safety regulations in my area and in the area where we are getting married?
This is going to likely be your state’s regulations and then your county regulation, both the county where you live and where you’re having your wedding, if those are different.
Your regulations will vary depending on where you live so I encourage you: Please listen to the science, the CDC, doctors, all of these people who are telling us how this virus spreads. Just because something is legal does not mean it is safe, which means even if your state is “open,” you need to listen to the science.
Then, you need to make a plan. A COVID wedding safety policy is a good place to start; here’s a template. Make this and then share it with your guests and your vendors. If you have a wedding website, that’s a good place to post it, too. Consider the policy a living document, amend it as rules change, and update your guests and vendors accordingly.
How soon do we want to get married?
This answer is going to be different for everybody because everybody’s motivations for getting married are different.
Long before the pandemic, I worked with couples who yes, loved each other very much but also needed to get married because one of the partners needed health care or to not get kicked out of the country or for any of the millions of reasons why in the 21st century we still do this thing called marriage.
During the pandemic, couples are needing to get married for many of the same reasons and also because they want to make sure their partner is their next of kin in case they end up on a ventilator in the ICU.
Whatever your answer is to the question of “How soon do we want to get married?” count back 60 days. This is your “go, no-go” deadline. This is the day that you and your partner will make the final decision on what your wedding plan is based on — and this next part is important so please pay attention — what the rules and regulations are at that moment in time at the 60-day mark.
Why 60 days? It’s close enough that we’ll have a pretty good idea of what the world will likely look like by the wedding day and it’s also far enough away that we have enough time to update guests and vendors and, ideally, save ourselves from spending money that we can’t get back.
Please note: The 60-day out mark is NOT the day that you wake up and for the first time, talk to your partner about your wedding. These decisions take multiple months to decide and the earlier you start talking to each other and, ideally, your guests and vendors, the more likely you will save yourselves unnecessary heartache.
Last but not least, ask the most important question in all of wedding planning.
It’s not when.
It’s not where.
It’s not even how much.
It’s why.
This question has always been the most important (more on that here) but it’s particularly important right now. It’s important because it’s just a different way of asking about what really matters: How do we want to feel on our wedding day?
Even before COVID, I encouraged my couples to ask themselves how they wanted to feel because I found that the ones who did had a better experience. They had more fun. They felt good about the money they spent because they were spending it on things that had value to them. They fought less.
Now, during the pandemic (and, honestly, I hope, after) I want couples to ask themselves “Why” and “How do we want to feel?” because those questions zero in on motivation.
Is our goal to get married so that we can start that chapter of our life? Is it to get on one another’s health insurance because, um, COVID and unemployment? Is it something else entirely?
Once we know our why, we can figure out what we need to do to accomplish it . Is this “we just need to get married so the legal minimum is great”? Is it “we actually don’t really care about the legal part, we just want a dance party”?
These motivations have very different plans of action but we can’t start on any of them until we know why we’re doing this in the first place.
What about that May 2021 bride?
I explained all of the above to the bride who wrote me about her wedding in May (or, at least, I attempted to explain it in an email that wasn’t indecently long).
She replied with what will sound like a dumb question but is really just a human question: “So you don’t think it’s realistic to plan for a 50-person wedding for May?”
This fellow human asked me a direct question so I did what I believe to be the responsible and courteous thing to do, I gave her a direct answer and now, dear reader, I’m giving it to you: No, I don’t think it’s realistic to plan for a 50-person wedding for May 2021.
But this doesn’t mean you don’t have options. This doesn’t mean you can’t get married.
It just means we need to ask different questions. We need to sit down across the dining room table from our partner, hold their hands, and talk.
The good news: If you look at that person and still want to marry them, you’ve already won.
If you want information specifically tailored to your unique situation of planning a wedding during a pandemic, please consider this option.