I recently asked a group of people who are actively planning their weddings what was on their minds right now when it comes to wedding planning during the COVID-19 pandemic. This was one of the responses I received:
“I’m trying to wrap my head around what wedding 2.0 celebrations will be like, i.e. what should our invite wording be like, what should be part of our ceremony, how do we deal with uncertainty still remaining, what’s the new etiquette with registries, etc.”
I’ve gotten this question from a few different people, which isn’t surprising as I have five such weddings on my books for next year. This is the wedding scenario born of COVID where a couple got legally married in 2020 (usually in a much smaller, safer celebration than originally planned) and will also be celebrating in 2021 (usually in a much larger, more-like-the-original plan).
The reasoning for the 2021 celebration is often a combination of “We want to see all of our people!” and “We don’t want to lose all of our deposits!” and “We really thought the pandemic would be over much sooner!”
Nobody really knows what to call this type of wedding and I personally hate the current frontrunner (sequel wedding) so, for the sake of this article, I’m going to denote each celebration by its respective year.
So, how does this look? How do you word an invite to a 2021 wedding celebrating a 2020 wedding? Who do you have in the ceremony? Do you even have a ceremony since, in this situation, you and your partner are already legally married and probably have been for nearly a year? Do you re-register? What do you wear?
I’ve got three pieces of advice.
1. Decide what role, if any, you want your 2020 wedding to play in your 2021 wedding
Even before the pandemic, I helped marry people who had been legally married long before their wedding day. There were lots of good reasons for this: insurance, kids, immigration status.
Some of those couples opted to tell everyone that technically, they were already married. Others told only certain guests. Still others didn’t say anything and let people think that the wedding they were at was also the day the couple’s legal marriage began.
It doesn’t matter. To the best of my knowledge, there is no state in the Union where you have to sign your marriage certificate in front of a crowd. Usually, you just need two or three people (the officiant plus a witness or two).
This means that at a wedding with more than a handful of guests, the signing of the marriage license happens behind closed doors. The vast majority of guests don’t even know it has happened because they are too busy getting a drink! (Don’t get me started on the irony of this since without the signed paperwork, the whole legal purpose of a wedding goes right out the window.)
I share this background information with you because for a 2021 wedding celebrating a 2020 wedding, you get to choose how you want to do this.
Do you and your partner want to talk about your 2020 wedding at your 2021 wedding? Great! Perhaps show photos from the day or renew the vows that you made in 2020. Maybe even make a joke of it: “We wanted to try the free trial for a year and guess what? We liked it so much, we’re re-upping!” **all of your guests pee their pants laughing**
Maybe you two would actually prefer to not talk about your 2020 wedding at your 2021 wedding? Also great! Your guests don’t need to know and also, they probably don’t care. They’re much more concerned with happy hour (and also, assuming this wedding is happening in a way that prioritizes heath and safety, they’re probably just happy to be out of the house).
My hunch is that it’s going to feel much more natural if you at least acknowledge what everyone already knows (i.e. there was a global pandemic and it really screwed up your plans) but really, it’s up to you two because this is your marriage we’re talking about and you get to honor it in whatever way brings you the most energy and joy.
2. Remember your vendor team
I have this theory that if 2021 looks a lot like 2020 in terms of COVID infection rate and death toll, people who got married in 2020 and planned to party in 2021 are going to see their rescheduled date approaching and be like, “Fuck this.”
In fact, I’ve already had one client mention that she and her now-husband loved their, in her words, “mini plan B wedding” so much that “we would be perfectly fine without a second re-do wedding, if it does come to that.”
Seeing this made my human heart sing. Yay! I am so glad they found joy and light amid so much sadness and darkness. This is why I do my job in the first place!
Her message also made my businesswoman stomach sink. If this couple decides to cancel their 2021 wedding, how will I get paid? Will they abide by our contract or will they want their money back and/or not feel that I’ve earned the money they owe me? Will I be able to make rent that month? What about groceries?
These are the questions keeping many vendors up at night and we’re talking about weddings that are happening next year. I mention this reality to you, couple currently planning a 2021 wedding to celebrate a 2020 wedding, because however the chips fall and whatever you two decide, please keep your vendor team in mind.
I am a consumer, too. I buy things. I spend money. I don’t like to feel ripped off, either. I want my money’s worth! Which is why, capitalist to capitalist, I ask you to lead with empathy.
I think you will find that your vendor — who is probably a one- or two-person operation and not a faceless, soul-sucking monolith — will want to work with you to find a solution. They will want to do this because they are human but also because Yelp exists. It is in their best interest to find an equitable solution with you, their client, and it is in your best, moral interest to not be an asshole about someone wanting to be paid for their time.
Hopefully, we won’t have to worry about this at all and everyone’s 2021 weddings can go off just as we hoped but when wondering what wedding 2.0 celebrations look like, money is an important consideration to keep in mind. Consider this a heads-up.
3. Be honest
Who should be part of our ceremony? What’s the new etiquette with registries? What do I wear?
I totally understand why these questions are rattling around people’s brains. We want to be able to conceptualize this big thing we’re planning but none of us have ever done this before. We’re all just making up what the post-pandemic world look likes and that most certainly includes major life rituals like a wedding.
So what do you do? Just be honest.
If a cutesy COVID pun doesn’t come to mind for whatever change-the-date/save-the-date/invite you’re sending your guests, don’t beat your head against a wall.
If you had a registry in 2020 but it’s only half-claimed because the world ignited, send it again with a nice, clear message that “Hey, this isn’t for you if you already bought us something or are in place where spending extra money doesn’t make a lot of sense right now.”
If you just really freakin’ love the dress you wore at your 2020 wedding but are worried people will judge you if you wear the same thing for your 2021 wedding, screw those people. I’d like to see them try and plan a wedding during a global pandemic!
The only way to mess this up is if you lie. Because guess what? Everyone already knows why your wedding plans changed. COVID messed up their lives, too. It’s OK to be real about this.
The most important thing is that we’re here and we’re healthy and we’re safe and we’re celebrating. We’re championing joy, not despair. We’re building a life, one day at a time.