This story was originally published on November 13, 2020, and last updated on January 28, 2022.
I’m going to tell you right from the jump that if you do not believe in the efficacy of vaccines, this article is not for you.
Still here?
Great. Let’s talk about the COVID vaccine and wedding planning.
Should my partner and I ask our wedding guests and vendors if they have gotten the COVID vaccine?
Yes, if getting a vaccine is at all possible for them. The better question is how do you two even start this conversation.
Before you continue, a note on chronology: I first published this article in November 2020 and have since updated it numerous times to reflect our ever-changing world.
As such, you may be thinking, “Do I still need to talk about COVID, particularly if the majority of my guests and vendors are fully vaccinated?” I argue that yes, we still need to talk about COVID if we’re talking about a wedding because a wedding is a gathering of multiple households that nearly always includes behavior that we know spreads COVID.
I also know from LOTS of professional and personal experience that there is no greater gift you can give anyone right now than the gift of telling them what to expect when they go to a thing.
So, create a COVID safety policy. Share it with your guests and your vendors. Remember that you’re doing this because the goal of a wedding is to feel joy and it’s much easier to feel joy when we also feel safe.
How do we ask our guests?
You just ask.
I know, I know. We are a long way from the days when the most complicated question you asked your wedding guests was chicken, steak, or fish but such is the cost of having a wedding during — and after — COVID.
How do you start the vaccine conversation with GUESTS? Refer to these free templates.
How do we ask our vendors?
You just ask.
You are likely going to have to give more space on this than you might have to with your guests. Why? Because you’ve probably signed a legal contract with a vendor and/or exchanged money. That means if you don’t like their answer, it’s not as easy as uninviting them.
How do you navigate this? Lead with empathy. Do not presume that what you saw on Instagram is the whole story. When is it ever?
But yes, it’s OK to ask your vendors about their vaccination status. This is OK because we are working together to try to figure out a way to keep your vendors, your guests, and yourselves safe. I would hope your vendors want to partner with you on this worthy effort.
Also, not to be gross but being a vaccinated wedding vendor is quickly turning into a marketable skill because duh, it gets the elephant out of the room. That means that weddings vendors are often more than willing to talk to you about vaccination status.
In fact, they’ll probably be super grateful you brought it up at all because that has NOT been the case for most of this past year and because you asked, you signaled that you see them as a fellow human and not a piece of furniture without a family.
One place where this can get particularly thorny is with vendors like caterers who have staffs. There’s a good chance your point of contact at said company doesn’t know — and may not be able to or willing to ask —the vaccination statuses of their staff.
If this comes up, reframe the question: “Thank you for sharing that with us. It’s important to my partner and I that we keep your team safe. What do you recommend?” (What they will recommend is probably that they’ll be masked during the event.)
How do you start the vaccine conversation with VENDORS? Refer to these free templates.
How do we ask our venue?
Technically, the templates in the previous section for VENDORS will work for your VENUE too but in case you want something venue-specific, here’s a free template.
What if we have guests who either can’t take the vaccine for medical reasons or won’t get the vaccine even though they have access?
I’m so specific in the above question because these are two different scenarios and they’re important to keep in mind as you and your partner establish the boundaries of your wedding.
In the first scenario — can’t — this is a guest who can physically not get vaccinated against COVID. Common examples are they don’t have the same access to the vaccine or have a medically-proven reason why they can’t get it.
In the second scenario — won’t — this is a guest who has access to the vaccine but is refusing to get it.
For a wedding, it’s logistically easiest if you please ask both parties not to come to your wedding in-person. If they are part of the first group, I bet they will appreciate this. They don’t want to get sick themselves!
If they are part of the second group, well, I mean, this is a boundary you are setting for your wedding and I hope they respect it. Plus, you are actually helping keep unvaccinated folks safe since your wedding is a threat to them (your wedding is not as big a threat to vaccinated people because, well, they’re vaccinated).
I call this scenario of only inviting fully vaccinated guests to your wedding a vaccine boundary, and a lot more couples are doing it than you think. However, I recognize that it doesn’t work in all scenarios. For example, what if the won’t person we’re talking about is someone you really, really care about? There is a very real, very huge emotional cost to this discussion.
So, what do you and your partner do?
I’m going to point you and your partner back to the boundary-setting exercise known as making a COVID safety policy.
In a situation where you and your partner opt not to require vaccination for your guests, you would use the policy to share that. One example: “Masks and social distancing will not be required regardless of vaccination status.”
You put that on the policy then you use one of these templates to share that policy. You’re doing this NOT to shame anyone but to communicate to all involved what the rules of engagement are so that those people can decide if that makes sense for their situation.
If those guests are fully vaccinated, there’s a very good chance that they don’t care if so-and-so isn’t vaccinated because they — the fully vaccinated guest — has a very high level of safety against the disease that the unvaccinated guest could give them.
Or maybe those fully vaccinated guests do care and so now either won’t attend in-person or perhaps will opt to wear a mask. This is stuff they wouldn’t have had the time to decide if you hadn’t communicated your boundaries to them ahead of time; see how that works?
This exercise also benefits the unvaccinated guests because you’re telling them what they’re getting into, too. If they feel comfortable walking into a room of 100 unmasked, non-distanced people without the protection of a vaccine against a disease that is still killing lots of unvaccinated people, that is their choice. Your role here as the host of this event is that you told the guest in question how many people would be at your event and what kind of behavior all involved would be participating in.
You can, of course, get even more specific than the above if, say, you have a VIP guest who is immunocompromised but must be at your wedding in-person for it to feel like your wedding. If the vaccine boundary option discussed earlier isn’t on the table for this situation, my next best advice is to ask that person what they need to be safe at your wedding. Prioritize those needs and use them to establish your boundary.
What if we have vendors who either can’t take the vaccine for medical reasons or won’t get the vaccine even though they have access?
I address this earlier in this story under the section “How do we ask our vendors?”
Do we need to ask people for proof of vaccination?
In 2021, I saw a lot of couples opt for the honor system, as in “We really, really, really want you to be vaccinated but we won’t ask for proof.” I understand this. It also reflects where I believe social norms were at the time.
As we move into 2022, those norms have shifted. It’s “less weird” to ask for proof now because we’re seeing so many examples of this in other areas of our life (i.e. we’re showing proof of vaccination at bars, restaurants, concerts, offices, etc.)
This leads us to an important question: Even if it’s not legally mandated or required by your venue(s), do you and your partner still want to ask for proof of vaccination or, potentially, proof of a negative COVID test? As you ponder this (potentially very challenging) question, this article may be of use.
What about boosters?
I’ve included this option on the template for a COVID safety policy in case setting a booster boundary is a boundary you and your partner want to set for your wedding.
Doing this (vs. adding “and booster” throughout this article) was the best way I could think to acknowledge the tool that is a booster shot without bogging down the language of this particular article.
Is it OK to only invite vaccinated people to our wedding?
Yes. Here’s my reasoning.
This is a lot of work. Is it worth it?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: The happiest couples are the ones who have made the hardest choices.
If you need a place to start, fill out this prioritization worksheet together with the goal of answering the most important question in wedding planning: “Why are we having a wedding?”
Then walk through the bullet points of what a COVID safety policy looks like for a wedding. Ask each other: “Does this feel the way that we want it to feel?”
Need more? Try these COVID resources on for size.
Want a gut check? Hire me for an hour to consult on your plan.
Last but not least: When in doubt, please email me (elisabeth@elisabethkramer.com). I will do my best to help you because I so appreciate what you are doing: trying to get married in a way that centers health, safety, and joy. That is not easy so thank you. Thank you for doing the hard thing.