Has someone you loved died and now you’re unsure how to honor them at your wedding? Are you worried that recognizing their death will completely kill the mood at your event? Worried about bumming out your guests? Yourself?
That’s totally valid and also? After nearly a decade as a wedding coordinator and consultant in Portland, Oregon, I’ve learned that grief and love are two sides of the same coin. That means that one of the happiest days of our lives — hopefully, a wedding day — can also be one of the saddest.
And that’s OK! By thoughtfully acknowledging those who have loved you, you can enrich your entire event. And no, your guests won’t be weirded out.
Here are the best ways to recognize death at a wedding:
Play, read, and/or wear something that had meaning to the person. I once had a client whose father had died. She decided to walk down the aisle alongside her mom while listening to a song he recorded and wearing a piece of jewelry he had made.
On the theme of wearing something, there are people who make quilts out of clothes of those who have died so their loved ones can remember them (here’s a person in my area whom I particularly like).
This could be translated to having a piece of the person’s clothing become part of your wedding outfit (e.g. the liner of a jacket, the ribbon on a dress, etc.).Want a professional to gut check your wedding planning? Here’s what people have to say about renting my Virgo wedding planner brain for an hour.
Reserve a seat for the person at the ceremony. This often works well if you have a reserved sign with the person's name and/or a photo of them that you put in a chair in the front row. Sometimes folks add flowers alongside the photo.
Feature the person’s photo during the reception. This can be on a side table and could include the photos of other guests who can't attend in-person or who have died. You may hear this referred to as a “memorial” or “in memoriam” table.
Put the wedding flowers on the grave. I got this idea from this Reddit thread and really liked it!
Think about how you connected with the person you’re trying to honor. This sounds simple but it’s the step I find people most frequently skip. Take a minute and think about what you liked to do with this person.
Were there certain activities you did together? Certain foods you ate? Certain shows you watched? No doubt there’s a way you can take that thing and infuse your wedding day with it.Don’t be afraid to acknowledge how you’re feeling. So often my clients say something like, “I don’t want to make my guests sad.” To which I say, “What greater gift can you give your guests than to invite them into all of the emotions that your wedding day may inspire?”
This doesn’t mean you have to bear your soul to 100 people but it does mean that if you’re feeling however you’re feeling about a certain day and the person or people who might not be there, it’s OK to feel those feelings. Your guests are lucky to witness it.
Looking for ways to celebrate loved ones outside of a “traditional” wedding party? Give this article a read.